College

As many of you know, I'm currently in the process of graduating high school and starting college. It's really weird how time flies, and priorities change. I thought I'd be going to Columbia, NYU, or Fordham. I'm not. I fell in love with Iona College, and I'll be starting this fall. I'm actually really excited to be undergoing this transition! It's anew chapter that I think I'm ready for. I know that there are people who don't think I can do it, but that's ok, the haters fuel me. Of course I'm scared, I'd be ignorant or crazy not to be scared. I'm scared of bullying, of misunderstanding, of heartbreak, of failure. Last summer, I realized how easy it is to fall in "love" and how much easier it is to be broken. I'm scared of not being successful, and of being unhappy. My aspirations have changed so much since I was a child. Becoming ill has really changed my perception of the medical field, and kind of steered me away. I'm taking a different path, finance, because I hope that one day I'll fall back in love with medicine. I've already witnessed how cruel people can be in college, and I'm not even out of high school. Unfortunately I've already been bullied throughout my life, but I hope that this can make me stronger against other people in the future. I love furthering my education, whether it is through reading, writing, or debating with other people. I find that the human mind is like a labyrinth. Every time you think you've figured something out, you find a new passage on the voyage to self-discovery. Some of my fears seem silly. Yesterday, I was thinking about what I'm going to wear to my college classes. I've been in catholic school for seven years now, and when I wear regular clothes, my parents help me figure out if they're school-appropriate. What am I going to do without them? Yes, I'm worried about dorming, and failure, but it's something I'll have to face if I want to make the world a better place. I'm going through hardships so that future generations of Spoonies won't have to.

Recently, I've felt like it's a little harder for me to find my inspiration/motivation for this blog and for school. Many of you may know that I recently switched medications. I was on Cymbalta for two years, and it had stopped working. I'm now trying Savella, a drug that is not as popular as Cymbalta or Lyrica, and is causing me a ton of side effects. I'll probably make a separate post on savella, but I wanted to explain why I've been so dormant. I'm also receiving a lot of backlash at school, due to my absences. Unfortunately, many of the adults who are supposed to help me are showing ableism towards me. I'm frustrated, especially with where my life is going. I have so many dreams and goals, but I'm encountering so many roadblocks, and it's hard for a Spoonie to redirect their path. I'm committed though. I may not be able to post every week like I wanted to, but I promise that I'll make appearances as much as possible. If you really want to stay in touch, my social media is the best way to keep up with me, or send me an email. I check those super often. My point here is, no one is perfect. You shouldn't feel pressured to always have a brave face. As my support system will tell you, I cry A LOT, and I throw tantrums every once in a while. Find a way to release your emotions, don't keep them inside. Even when it feels like no one believes in you, I do.

Soft hugs,

Ciara xxxxx