Getting an Education

I have always loved to learn. I can't seem to get enough education. I speak two languages fluently (English and Spanish), I taught myself French when I was twelve (for fun), I know basic Korean and Mandarin. I watch surgeries on YouTube for fun....that's why it's ironic that my biggest struggle with Fibro, is school. I don't think my teachers or administration understand the difference between "sympathy" and "empathy". You can't empathize with someone if you have never been through that particular experience. They don't actually "understand" (although they claim to) that even basic life tasks are difficult for me. It's 2 am when I'm writing this, and just to type make my fingers burn. They don't understand the cycle of chronic illness:

You have a flare and spend several day or hours (if your lucky) bedridden and in indescribable pain, because of this pain: you get no sleep. When you don't get sleep: your brain can't retain information even if you are able to make an attempt at studying. You recuperate, and are finally pain-free (or at a tolerable pain level), so you decide to get some sleep. But by the time you lay your head down, close your eyes, and let out a sigh of content, the insomnia kicks in. If you're like me, this is where the depression or anxiety comes in (a whole other post).

I didn't even cover the part where you over sleep and mess with your body, or the lovely side effects of some medications. This is what we live with, this is the battle, our struggle. I don't want anyone to interpret this as complaining or whining, because that's the opposite of my blog's intent. I want to spread awareness, I want to start a conversation. The next time I have to miss an event, I don't want to make up a lame excuse, I want to be able to say, "I had a really bad flare and even though I tried, I couldn't make it". I don't want any of us to feel ashamed or alone.

Some days, I'm in a lot of pain, but I get up anyway, put on some makeup (so as not to scare my peers/teachers) and go to school. I go to each and every class (yes, even gym), and I do my best. I would pass out on the court and get a 40 as a score than sit on the sidelines and get a 100. That's not enough for me. I know I can do better. I sit in the cramped, wooden desks, grit my teeth, and try to pay attention. I'm not going to lie: sometimes I fake it. Some days I'm in so much pain that I stare at the board while I create made-up stories in my head. Stories where I don't live in pain. Stories where I'm a normal 17 year old girl.

Dear Teachers: just because I "look fine" doesn't mean I am. I usually, am not.