My whole life, I was afraid to live. People told me who I was, what I was like, why they didn't like me. I was too sensitive, I cried easily. I gravitated towards adults more than children. Even though I was much younger, I seemed to always empathize with their stories, even if I hadn't actually experienced their story firsthand. I offered words of advice, and solace when I could not. Their emotions, their mood, always seemed to embed themselves in me and affect me for the rest of the day. I could never seem to get rid of it. I would take scalding hot showers, I would meditate, pray and sleep it off. I don't believe in witchcraft, I don't believe I have supernatural powers. I believe in God. But I also know that I'm an empath. Positive and Negative energy (vibes, as I call them) flow through all of us into the world, some of us can manipulate them differently. I always seemed out of place, I wasn't like the other kids. So they made fun of me, they mocked me, they talked about me and spread rumors behind my back. It hurt. It hurt so much, and it still does. The pain never seems to fade, unless you let it go. It's hard to consider someone a friend, family, and to then hear that they aren't who you thought they were. But it teaches you to grow stronger, to know yourself, inside and out. I'm creating this blog because I have a voice, and I want to share that with people. I want to remind others that they have a voice too. Maybe no one will read this, maybe no one cares. But maybe I can influence someone to change their mind and spread love, not hate, into our world.
I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia when I was 16 but I had suffered from it long before then. It sucks. I used to wake up and jump out of bed, now I have to open my eyes and evaluate my pain level first. Sometimes I can walk, and run, and live freely. Most of the time I'm too scared that the monster will come out and make me cry. I feel like my muscles are burning. It is the worst pain I have endured. You never realize how many you muscles you have until they all catch on fire and make you unable to breath. I do now.
I struggle with depression and anxiety. My mom calls it drowning. I think it's the only adequate term. Depression feels like you're drowning and everyone else you know is swimming above the water, with no idea that you're dying. They keep calling out to you, "Come on, join us" and you want to, so badly, but you can't, and you have no idea how to fix it. Anxiety has been my companion for as long as I can remember. It's always in the back of my mind. The simplest things, like phone calls, leave me shaking afterwards and rethinking how I could have done much better.
I don't want to be afraid anymore, I've decided to live. I hope that after reading this, you will too.